TAKE THE QUIZ!
When you decided that this was the career for you, were you in love with law?
Did it begin like a real love affair with butterflies? Was information irresistible?
At the start of your career, were you excited about work every day? Would you get into the office first and often the last to leave? Did you keep up-to-date with professional developments, perhaps following the high-profile case in the media, or even following legislation developments?
I remember those days like it was yesterday—the sheer excitement and pride I felt each time my name was featured in the daily newspaper. As a State Prosecutor, it often happened that criminal matters got a lot of media attention. Whether I was in the Magistrates’ court on my own, or in the High Court with a senior to guide me, there was attention. That was something else! I even remember the first time I got to lead evidence in chief in a murder trial. I can’t help but smile as I recall those fond and treasured memories. I realise how dear I hold and guard them close to me.
Yes, in the beginning, I spent a lot of time learning from those around me. I thoroughly enjoyed the process. I seized every opportunity that came by to learn something new. I did not care that it meant extra hours of work and no weekends off because I just loved it. I loved the feeling it gave me; I loved my identity as a “Lawyer.” I even loved how people reacted to that identity. To start, I was the first lawyer in my family. To the public, because of my petite structure, persons would always be taken aback when I identified myself as a lawyer.
But such is the career. We live for the little highs and don’t care to consider the long-term costs that comes with it. In the five years of my legal education, there was no thought given to the course I should take to guard against those long-term costs. We did not learn another way to be more productive other than to take hours from one part of our life and hand it over on a silver platter to our clients and the judiciary’s demands. This was just the way it was, and to earn the reputation of a good lawyer, that is just what was required. At least, this is how I felt about the whole thing.
Now nine years later, that term known as “hedonic adaptation” had kicked in. Hedonic adaptation is the process of becoming use to either a positive or negative stimulus until the emotional effect of the stimulus reduces overtime. Remember how I said I felt when I saw my name in the newspaper? Let’s just say I don’t feel that way anymore when my name is published. As Daniel Gilbert so eloquently put it “Wonderful things are especially wonderful the first time they happen, but their wonderfulness wanes with repetition.”
I was most definitely not excited to get into the office or to work well into the night. Wasn’t this supposed to get better? I thought, didn’t I pay my dues at the start of my career? Often with experience, you learn. What I learned was the job of a lawyer never stops; whether you are fresh out of law school or nearing a milestone such as my upcoming ten-year professional anniversary, the demands never stop.
This was the beginning of what I thought would be the end—I was most definitely falling out of love with Law. Like a bad marriage, I forgot how good things were in the beginning. Instead, all I could focus on was how much my partner, “Law” was taking from me. I fixated on all the things I missed out on; all the ways Law held me back. I blamed Law for making me jaded, for creating the belief that I could not trust another human being because every day Law showed me just how much depravity other human beings are capable of. I told myself that Law was the reason I began to erect a wall around myself, it was the reason that I did not let people into my life, it was the reason for my unhappiness.
Just like that, the negative fixations began, and with it, my anxiety and insomnia. Now I wanted to leave this relationship. Have you ever read, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? Well, there is a scene that best describes the state I was in. Elizabeth was on the bathroom floor for what must have felt like the millionth time, hiding from her husband who was asleep and bawling out her life because she did not want to be married anymore. She would have to deal with all the guilt and all the people who would be let down by her decision. That is exactly what I felt about Law in my tunnel vision: I wanted to leave but did not know how. I spent 14 years on this path between schooling and work. How could I disappoint my parents? Would I really have to start all over? It was all just so unfair, and well, the pity party rained on.
This continued for almost two years, in which time I sought professional help, and in turn was prescribed sleeping pills and some anti-anxiety meds. It did not help, and I did not want to be on those pills, so I had to find a way. I remember the day I decided I wanted to end my relationship with Law. I called a friend crying about how difficult things were, how unhappy I felt and that I wanted to resign from my job the same day. After I was done, my friend asked, “why do you think that’s all you deserve?”
I had just walked face-first into a glass door (which I literally did when I was a kid). This glass door was the realisation that I, and not Law, was somehow in control and in charge. You mean I could change? The situation could change? It did not have to be this way, I did not have to hate Law, and maybe I did not need to end the relationship—but how?
This is where the journey of getting to know myself began, where I stepped out of the “poor me” story into “I am the boss of my life story.” You might be wondering how to accomplish this as well—I’ll tell you—it was simple but also the hardest thing I have ever done.
Think about it like any relationship you want to salvage; you’ve got to put in the work. You’ve got to step-up and analyse it, know where you were wrong, know where you did not make your needs known, understand where the other person is coming from. It is often said that we each live in our own reality, so I needed to get to the root of the problem. Was it really Law, or did I really create this reality?
After about three months of self-work, I found my way back. I knew that I did not want to leave Law. Rather I needed to set boundaries in our relationship and prioritize myself. As is often said in Probate Law, you cannot give what you do not have, and that transposes into my relationship with Law. Simply put—if I could not love myself how could I love Law?
If you are struggling in your relationship with Law and want to find that passion again here are my proven tips. Ask yourself the following:
- What positives has Law brought into my life?
- Am I unhappy with Law or just in my current circumstances?
- How can I set boundaries with Law?
Some of the things I realised when I asked myself these questions were that Law allows me to afford my car and it gives me the means to travel and provide for those who depended on me and the list goes on. I was unhappy in my current circumstances, and I needed to work on that.
You may be thinking that you can’t set boundaries because your time is dictated by so many external forces, but that’s just a story we tell ourselves. What I am about to say may sound counter-intuitive, but I guarantee it is nothing that I do not practice myself.
First things first: self-love. I give myself 90 minutes every day of self-love, and I get that time at 6:00 a.m. I get up early, exercise, meditate and have breakfast. That was not something I ever did before. The benefit to this time is that no one from work or home is going to be bugging me, so you can get that undisturbed “me time.” A self-love ritual, especially if done first thing in the morning, gives you so much energy and focus for the day ahead.
Next is to celebrate the victories, no matter how small. In my relationship with Law, I did not stop and celebrate. I made a filing deadline or got through my to-do list, or even got judgment in my client’s favour—so what? I had a dozen more things to do. When you stop for a moment and celebrate your little victories, you are forced to acknowledge your worth. Just imagine how it feels to be a winner throughout your day. Can you feel how excited you’re getting? That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
The final tip I want to leave you with is a focus-based working method. This may be a challenge initially, but you are going to teach this profession how to work for you—not the other way around. This technique is not fixed; you can start with smaller time blocks and refine as you experiment with it.
We will implement the 60-60-30 rule, and if you’re wondering, no, I did not invent this, but it does work. Here is how I use the system: you set aside 60 minutes for focus work, meaning no distractions, no phone calls, no emails, no meetings and so on, you work for 55 minutes and then take a 5-minute break; repeat again and take a 30-minute break. If you break your workday up into these manageable chunks of time, you accomplish more and you simultaneously set boundaries.
Imagine if I knew that the best time to get you was between 10:00–10: 30 a.m. Wouldn’t I be more likely to call during that time? The key to getting balance is setting boundaries. Don’t worry—I am not saying this is fixed in stone; of course, emergences will arise, but those become the exception rather than the norm.
If you’re still a bit torn between leaving or re-building your relationship with Law, try the “Have I fallen out of Law” Quiz right here:
- Do I enjoy what I am doing?
- Am I currently happy in my work life?
- Am I able to have a balanced life (it’s not all about the job)?
- Do I get satisfaction from the profession?
- Do I get excited about going to work?
- Do I feel accomplished at the end of the day?
- Am I able to present in a moment (or is your mind always on work)?
- Do I give the job my all?
- Do I enjoy learning and keeping updated on new developments in the profession?
- Can I see myself doing this for the rest of my life?
If you have gotten 75% or over of answers being NO, then it’s time to re-examine your relationship with Law.
Take comfort in knowing that a relationship can be repaired it just takes some work, and on the flip side it is perfectly okay to leave a relationship that does not work for you.